I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize