My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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