2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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