Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize