he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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