he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
