JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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