just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
