Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
