doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
