my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
