This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
