she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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