I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
