Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
