She announced her abortion via fbk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
