Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
