onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
