dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
