I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
