Too much gin, very little bucket
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
