worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
