The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
