This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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