roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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