I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
