Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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