Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
