exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
