And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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