I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize