Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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