You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
