Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
