Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize