Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
