sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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