so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
