I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
