I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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