I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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