I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
