There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
