just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize