I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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