My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
