If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
