You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
