after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
