I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
