Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
