I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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