hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
