Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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