its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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