Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
