I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize